The Overweight Wands
by Eli Dude
Summary: Harry Potter's wand is in need of a Slim Fast diet! Harry's popularity is at stake-what will he do???


The Overweight Wands  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling.  
  
  
  
Harry walked to class, but all of a sudden something in his backpack was so heavy it fell to the floor. He got out his wand-it was fat, it was growing mold!   
"Oh my GOD!" screamed Harry. "We're all gonna die!"  
Hermione came over and said, "What's wrong, Harry?"  
"We are all gonna die!" continued Harry.  
"Why?" asked Hermione.  
"My wand is growing mold so it can't fight Voldemort! I am going to be SO unpopular. This SUCKS. This REALLY, REALLY sucks."  
Ron came over.   
"Harry, what's wrong?" asked Ron.  
"My wand is growing mold and it's overweight!"  
George and Fred came over.  
"Harry, what's wrong?"  
"My wand is growing mold!"  
"Oh, that's okay," said Fred and George. "We'll just sneak into Snape's office and steal some galleons. Then we can buy you a new wand!"  
"Why are we stealing from Professor Snape?" asked Hermione suspiciously.  
"'Cause he's a slimy old bastard, that's why!" said Fred.  
"But how are we going to get out of Hogwarts and get to the wand shop?" Harry asked.  
"That will be the tricky part," said George. "Everyone meet me tonight at 10:00 PM at Hagrid's."  
When Harry, Ron, and Hermione were walking by the Forbidden Forest, Professor Snape jumped out wearing a pink tutu, dressed up like his mother holding a wand and this weird music came on like "EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE" (think 'Psycho') and he stabbed Ron violently with his wand, even though it wasn't sharp.  
Ron said, "Ow! That really hurt, you slimy prick! Why the hell did you do that!"  
Then Professor Snape sat down and began to cry, and then he got up and said, "Tinky Winky, Dipsy, LaLa, Po! Tellitubbies, Tellitubbies, say hello!"   
And then he ran back into the forest and Ron was bleeding bad from the wand stab so they went into Hagrid's house and said, "Hagrid, can you heal my wound?"  
And Hagrid said, "I don't know, but maybe my dragon could put a few stitches in."  
And then the dragon flew up and bit off Ron's head. (NOOOOOOOOOO!)  
"Noooooooooo!" screamed Hermione. "Now I'll always be a virgin!"  
"Damn!"  
And then the dragon spit out Ron's head and it hit Hermione's head and she got a concussion and she died, too.   
"Man, this is a gay story," said Harry.  
And then the dragon was mad at itself that it killed two people and he flew out the window even though there is no window and then it went to Hogwarts and broke into someone's window and said, "Fred, you're supposed to be at the meeting, dumbass!"  
And Fred said, "Oh, yeah."  
And then Fred woke George and he told him to go to the meeting and then they went to the meeting at Hagrid's house and said, "Oh my God, they killed Ron!" screamed George.  
And then Fred said, "You bastards!"   
Hagrid was sitting on the ground crying and Harry was banging his head on Hagrid's table.   
"What's wrong?" asked George.  
Hagrid answered first.   
"Me dragon got away!" he sobbed.   
"You're mad that your f*ckin DRAGON got away?! Our brother's DEAD because of that bloody dragon!" Fred screamed, outraged.   
Then Harry answered, hysterical, "I'm NEVER going to get a wand!!!! How will I ever be popular again?!?!?!"   
"Oh no!" Fred gasped in horror.  
"Screw Ron," George added. "We HAVE to make Harry popular again!!"  
They walked out of Hagrid's Cabin leaving him weeping on the floor.  
Fred, George and Harry forgot that they had no money, so they went back into the cabin and mugged Hagrid. Then they went to where keep the Quidditch brooms and stole three of them. They flew all the way to London.   
Once they got there and went through the Leaky Cauldron to Diagon Alley, they banged on Ollivander's Wand Shop window. No one answered. Fred was fed up with waiting. He broke open the window with the broom. They all climbed in. Harry looked for the same wand he had, ignoring the boldly lettered "NO TWO OLLIVANDER'S WANDS ARE EXACTLY THE SAME" sign. He looked for a couple hours (well actually a couple minutes but it seemed like hours...he had a very short attention span) then finally settled for one that sort of resembled it if you squinted your eyes and rolled them back into your head while tilting it to the right.  
They ran out of the store, hopped on the brooms, and rode back to the school. They brought back the brooms and walked to the Gryffindor common room. Fred and George went to bed. Harry went to bed. When he entered the room he saw Ron asleep. Harry walked up to Ron and shook him until he woke up.   
"How the hell are you alive???" Harry asked.   
"When you left to get a new wand Hagrid used a spell to get my head back on. Then I used a spell to bring Hermione back to life. Now me and her are dating," Ron answered.   
Then Harry told him about his adventure with Fred and George and went to bed.   
  
  
  
  
THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  
  
(If you like this one I'll write more.) 


End file.
